As most saw, whom are on the Facebook group, everyone wanted to read about “What not to say to a cancer patient” and I’m excited to do this one because it’s something that is hard to talk about and sometimes people don’t have the right words for what they’re trying to say or mean.
These 8 things below are from my experiences only but I would like to think most people who are diagnosed with cancer could relate to these.
- “I’m sorry.” Okay, we get that you’re sorry but what exactly are you sorry about? Sorry we were diagnosed? Sorry we have to go through treatment? Using sorry is for when you do something wrong and are acknowledging that mess up. And I get that’s what we go to (“I’m sorry”) in situations that are not normal but let’s try “I hate that you’re going through this. I am always here to listen if you want.” I believe re-framing saying sorry becomes more personal and could be seen as more sincere.
- “Everything happens for a reason.” Although I love this motto, why the hell did I get cancer? To teach me a lesson? Some things do happen for a reason but no one would ever wish this was what happened. And sometimes we look at tragedies, could be a car accident, diagnosis of cancer, as a test of character, but how true is that when your health may be on the line? Let’s try, “you are strong, you can do this” instead of the above common phrase.
- “What does your daughter say about this? Has she been doing okay with xyz.” Although I wish I could answer this, I can’t. My daughter is three and doesn’t understand what cancer is. She knows mommy’s hair will grow back; she knows this is going to be temporary and she won’t “catch” it; and she knows that mommy’s going to be okay. If she was older, she could answer, however, I don’t think it’s that important to pose such a personal question to a child.
- Burdening us with your own problems without asking. I feel like this is a general rule of thumb when it comes to interacting in relationships, but the last thing we want to talk about is your problems. Honestly. If you are having a bad day and you need to talk to your ill-stricken friend, what you should do, is ask them and make sure they have enough emotional space to hear their problems.
- “It doesn’t even look like you’re going through treatment.” Although you think this would be an awesome compliment, I [personally] don’t like hearing this. While going through treatment, you’re stripped of your appearance. And while it’s fun to wear hats and different wraps, shaving my head, worrying about my weight, losing some confidence, isn’t something I would’ve wanted.
- “How did THEY find it?” First things first… I found it a little over two weeks after my yearly exam and second, I’m confident that most woman find it themselves… I mean, I’m not going to my OBGYN for monthly exams and your PCP doesn’t feel up on you that frequently. I guess I’m just proud of myself for finding it when I did and annoyed that some suggested that someone else found it.
- “I wish I had the guts to shave my head.” Yeah, this waitress at Applebee’s told me that and I laughed and said “I wish I had a choice” and I’m pretty sure I watched her die inside slowly. It was sweet but shaving my head is something I’m still so indifferent about. And although it’s nice to get compliments, I think we need to try to stray away, or challenge ourselves to not give compliments on someone’s physical appearance and what we first see.
- “What do you need? How can I help you?” Okay, this one is going to hurt because this is something I’ve heard from everyone a million times and something I can admit I’ve done. Many people don’t ask for help even though they may need it. Because of this and how people are reluctant, if you’re able to and capable of, you could tell said person that you are going to do x, y, and/or z. If you give them a specific task you want to do for them, it will come off more sincere and make it seem like you put some thought into what kind of help you can offer. I do want to say I am very lucky to have all the support I do have.
Like I said earlier, it’s very hard to talk to someone who was recently diagnosed with cancer but it doesn’t take too much effort to recognize and understand what you say and the potential impact it will have on the person. I also believe some of these things can be used outside of dealing with someone with cancer or a chronic illness. We all should be mindful of what we say, no matter the circumstances,
“Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”
Don Miguel Ruiz
xx Kelsey
Tales of TNBC 