Tag: thriver

It’s Not the Same

Kelsey Reigle

And while I’ve been struggling to put my finger on what’s going on, I’m okay with whatever is going on.

I’ve been back at work for a month now after my double mastectomy and this time going back, it’s been so hard. I saw a quote the other day that said “After breast cancer, my job had not changed. I had.”

I don’t think anything has resonated so much with me in my life. WOW! My job is, or was, my dream job.

I literally remember sitting in college and said, “my dream job would be becoming a Paralegal for a state-wide nonprofit helping victims of some sort.” I have that job and man, I was on top of the world when I got it.

I don’t hate my work or what I do. It’s just hard to go back and try to pick up where I left off. I work in a profession that is fast-pace and I cannot keep up, right now. (I really wish I could). I’m on calls with survivors of sexual assault, harassment, rape, seeing if our attorneys can help them. It’s emotionally taxing, if you could even begin to imagine. Vicarious trauma is a real thing everyone.

While I’m sitting here, crying internally because I wish I could just quit my job and figure life [without cancer] out, I’m okay with this feeling. I’m not sure where I’m going. I know I’ll be finishing up my second degree at the end of the year and maybe by then I’ll find my true calling.

My love for advocacy hasn’t stopped. My love as a Paralegal hasn’t stopped. But damn has Breast Cancer made me doublethink everything.

xx Kelsey

Lonely and Selfish: How I Feel Now Since Treatment is Halfway Done.

Kelsey Reigle

Lately, these words have been ringing true to me.  I’m surrounded by so many people yet it seems more people were there in the beginning.  Sometimes weeks go by and some friends and family don’t even reach out.  Some people don’t realize how far a phone call or even a text can go.  And sometimes I feel I’m too selfish because I’m demanding at times.  It’s hard to see life through someone else’s eyes other than your own.  Your life is consumed with this disease, you honestly forget that people have other lives. 

I also think that as a cancer patient we have a right to be selfish under certain circumstances.  I mean hello, our life is changing and IS forever changed.

I have a lot of people I can count on but I don’t think they have any idea how lonely it can get. They possibly couldn’t. They have no idea what it’s like to have cancer. The thoughts I sometimes have at night are dark and I cry a lot. But, I do it when I’m alone. I feel like I have to start over in some aspects but this time I have a lot more wisdom and time to absorb what’s going on in my life at my pace. There are things I have worked on for years, tools used to help with my anxiety/depression/self-worth & esteem, that are completely gone. [I feel like my cancer has only amplified these things].

Loneliness and what follows, isolation, is not only emotionally draining but it can be damaging to one’s own health.  Cancer also makes you look at what’s truly important.  I have developed deeper connections with people already in my life, while systematically putting others at arms-length.  I have people that have out-right stopped talking to me, (and y’all thought losing friends once you had a baby was rough!).  I have also connected with some old friends of mine and made new ones as well.  I believe my physical fight against cancer is great; this emotional turmoil that I’m going through is insane.  And  will continue to say that cancer is a mental battle more than anything.

It has not always been like this, but as my journey goes on, these things, loneliness and selfishness, are becoming more noticeable.

I’ve been doing a lot though to help me deal with feelings of loneliness. I’ve been telling my story to people, connecting with other’s who are battling Breast Cancer, continuously reaching out to my main support system, and talking with my therapist. All of these things together doesn’t make all my problems go away but acknowledging what is going on and actively trying to better it makes life a lot easier. I hate to be stagnant when I can use my resources.

I have to credit my boyfriend and two great friends that are constantly checking up on me and making sure I’m fine. And the funny thing is, two of those three people live over a hour away from me and still manage to be there for me. Although they’re physically not there, their emotional support and willingness to sit and hear me bitch or cry does everything for me. They don’t question why I’m feeling the way I do. They aren’t critical when I get into a funk. They’re supportive and damn I’m so blessed to have you guys; Patrick, Patty and Kate, I love you guys.

Although I’ve been feeling like things are going downhill for a little, I’m still positive as ever… or try to be! I finished my book, The Body Keeps the Score and one of the last quotes that really stuck out to me is, “the greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind,” said by Psychologist William James. This quote has been resonating with me since I started realizing how lonely this journey can me.

It’s so easy to get sucked into a black hole and I can honestly sit here and say, it’s comforting at times and sometimes I don’t want to get out of that funk (people with depression understand the comfort in not being fully happy). But I can and I must, because I need to continue to have control of my life and feelings. I can’t have this Breast Cancer continuously tear me down. I’m stick of feeling lonely and selfish.

So if you’re reading this and are going through your Cancer journey, I promise, it’s normal to feel lonely. It’s normal to feel like you lost control or you’re being too selfish. But when you let these things consume you and take over your life, that’s when you know you need to take control of it. Be your own advocate and biggest fan during this time of your life!

xx Kelsey

8 Things Not to Say to a Cancer Patient

Kelsey Reigle

As most saw, whom are on the Facebook group, everyone wanted to read about “What not to say to a cancer patient” and I’m excited to do this one because it’s something that is hard to talk about and sometimes people don’t have the right words for what they’re trying to say or mean.

These 8 things below are from my experiences only but I would like to think most people who are diagnosed with cancer could relate to these.

  1. “I’m sorry.” Okay, we get that you’re sorry but what exactly are you sorry about? Sorry we were diagnosed? Sorry we have to go through treatment? Using sorry is for when you do something wrong and are acknowledging that mess up. And I get that’s what we go to (“I’m sorry”) in situations that are not normal but let’s try “I hate that you’re going through this. I am always here to listen if you want.” I believe re-framing saying sorry becomes more personal and could be seen as more sincere.
  2. “Everything happens for a reason.” Although I love this motto, why the hell did I get cancer? To teach me a lesson? Some things do happen for a reason but no one would ever wish this was what happened. And sometimes we look at tragedies, could be a car accident, diagnosis of cancer, as a test of character, but how true is that when your health may be on the line? Let’s try, “you are strong, you can do this” instead of the above common phrase.
  3. “What does your daughter say about this? Has she been doing okay with xyz.” Although I wish I could answer this, I can’t. My daughter is three and doesn’t understand what cancer is. She knows mommy’s hair will grow back; she knows this is going to be temporary and she won’t “catch” it; and she knows that mommy’s going to be okay. If she was older, she could answer, however, I don’t think it’s that important to pose such a personal question to a child.
  4. Burdening us with your own problems without asking. I feel like this is a general rule of thumb when it comes to interacting in relationships, but the last thing we want to talk about is your problems. Honestly. If you are having a bad day and you need to talk to your ill-stricken friend, what you should do, is ask them and make sure they have enough emotional space to hear their problems.
  5. “It doesn’t even look like you’re going through treatment.” Although you think this would be an awesome compliment, I [personally] don’t like hearing this. While going through treatment, you’re stripped of your appearance. And while it’s fun to wear hats and different wraps, shaving my head, worrying about my weight, losing some confidence, isn’t something I would’ve wanted.
  6. “How did THEY find it?” First things first… I found it a little over two weeks after my yearly exam and second, I’m confident that most woman find it themselves… I mean, I’m not going to my OBGYN for monthly exams and your PCP doesn’t feel up on you that frequently. I guess I’m just proud of myself for finding it when I did and annoyed that some suggested that someone else found it.
  7. “I wish I had the guts to shave my head.” Yeah, this waitress at Applebee’s told me that and I laughed and said “I wish I had a choice” and I’m pretty sure I watched her die inside slowly. It was sweet but shaving my head is something I’m still so indifferent about. And although it’s nice to get compliments, I think we need to try to stray away, or challenge ourselves to not give compliments on someone’s physical appearance and what we first see.
  8. “What do you need? How can I help you?” Okay, this one is going to hurt because this is something I’ve heard from everyone a million times and something I can admit I’ve done. Many people don’t ask for help even though they may need it. Because of this and how people are reluctant, if you’re able to and capable of, you could tell said person that you are going to do x, y, and/or z. If you give them a specific task you want to do for them, it will come off more sincere and make it seem like you put some thought into what kind of help you can offer. I do want to say I am very lucky to have all the support I do have.

Like I said earlier, it’s very hard to talk to someone who was recently diagnosed with cancer but it doesn’t take too much effort to recognize and understand what you say and the potential impact it will have on the person. I also believe some of these things can be used outside of dealing with someone with cancer or a chronic illness. We all should be mindful of what we say, no matter the circumstances,

“Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”

Don Miguel Ruiz

xx Kelsey