Lately, these words have been ringing true to me. I’m surrounded by so many people yet it seems more people were there in the beginning. Sometimes weeks go by and some friends and family don’t even reach out. Some people don’t realize how far a phone call or even a text can go. And sometimes I feel I’m too selfish because I’m demanding at times. It’s hard to see life through someone else’s eyes other than your own. Your life is consumed with this disease, you honestly forget that people have other lives.
I also think that as a cancer patient we have a right to be selfish under certain circumstances. I mean hello, our life is changing and IS forever changed.
I have a lot of people I can count on but I don’t think they have any idea how lonely it can get. They possibly couldn’t. They have no idea what it’s like to have cancer. The thoughts I sometimes have at night are dark and I cry a lot. But, I do it when I’m alone. I feel like I have to start over in some aspects but this time I have a lot more wisdom and time to absorb what’s going on in my life at my pace. There are things I have worked on for years, tools used to help with my anxiety/depression/self-worth & esteem, that are completely gone. [I feel like my cancer has only amplified these things].
Loneliness and what follows, isolation, is not only emotionally draining but it can be damaging to one’s own health. Cancer also makes you look at what’s truly important. I have developed deeper connections with people already in my life, while systematically putting others at arms-length. I have people that have out-right stopped talking to me, (and y’all thought losing friends once you had a baby was rough!). I have also connected with some old friends of mine and made new ones as well. I believe my physical fight against cancer is great; this emotional turmoil that I’m going through is insane. And will continue to say that cancer is a mental battle more than anything.
It has not always been like this, but as my journey goes on, these things, loneliness and selfishness, are becoming more noticeable.
I’ve been doing a lot though to help me deal with feelings of loneliness. I’ve been telling my story to people, connecting with other’s who are battling Breast Cancer, continuously reaching out to my main support system, and talking with my therapist. All of these things together doesn’t make all my problems go away but acknowledging what is going on and actively trying to better it makes life a lot easier. I hate to be stagnant when I can use my resources.
I have to credit my boyfriend and two great friends that are constantly checking up on me and making sure I’m fine. And the funny thing is, two of those three people live over a hour away from me and still manage to be there for me. Although they’re physically not there, their emotional support and willingness to sit and hear me bitch or cry does everything for me. They don’t question why I’m feeling the way I do. They aren’t critical when I get into a funk. They’re supportive and damn I’m so blessed to have you guys; Patrick, Patty and Kate, I love you guys.
Although I’ve been feeling like things are going downhill for a little, I’m still positive as ever… or try to be! I finished my book, The Body Keeps the Score and one of the last quotes that really stuck out to me is, “the greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind,” said by Psychologist William James. This quote has been resonating with me since I started realizing how lonely this journey can me.
It’s so easy to get sucked into a black hole and I can honestly sit here and say, it’s comforting at times and sometimes I don’t want to get out of that funk (people with depression understand the comfort in not being fully happy). But I can and I must, because I need to continue to have control of my life and feelings. I can’t have this Breast Cancer continuously tear me down. I’m stick of feeling lonely and selfish.
So if you’re reading this and are going through your Cancer journey, I promise, it’s normal to feel lonely. It’s normal to feel like you lost control or you’re being too selfish. But when you let these things consume you and take over your life, that’s when you know you need to take control of it. Be your own advocate and biggest fan during this time of your life!
xx Kelsey
Tales of TNBC 