Tag: perspective

It’s Not the Same

Kelsey Reigle

And while I’ve been struggling to put my finger on what’s going on, I’m okay with whatever is going on.

I’ve been back at work for a month now after my double mastectomy and this time going back, it’s been so hard. I saw a quote the other day that said “After breast cancer, my job had not changed. I had.”

I don’t think anything has resonated so much with me in my life. WOW! My job is, or was, my dream job.

I literally remember sitting in college and said, “my dream job would be becoming a Paralegal for a state-wide nonprofit helping victims of some sort.” I have that job and man, I was on top of the world when I got it.

I don’t hate my work or what I do. It’s just hard to go back and try to pick up where I left off. I work in a profession that is fast-pace and I cannot keep up, right now. (I really wish I could). I’m on calls with survivors of sexual assault, harassment, rape, seeing if our attorneys can help them. It’s emotionally taxing, if you could even begin to imagine. Vicarious trauma is a real thing everyone.

While I’m sitting here, crying internally because I wish I could just quit my job and figure life [without cancer] out, I’m okay with this feeling. I’m not sure where I’m going. I know I’ll be finishing up my second degree at the end of the year and maybe by then I’ll find my true calling.

My love for advocacy hasn’t stopped. My love as a Paralegal hasn’t stopped. But damn has Breast Cancer made me doublethink everything.

xx Kelsey

Time is Ticking.

Kelsey Reigle

This blog is going to be short or I’m going to try to make it short. I really could talk about anything for a really long time. Anywho.

Over the past month and a half, I’ve seen every kind of doctor and have done a bajillion tests. It has taken so long between the time I got my diagnosis and the time my treatment will start. [I was diagnosed on June 19th and I won’t start chemo until August 19th for some perspective].

As you could imagine, having constant appointments you become very over-whelmed.  I have a planner and two notebooks to keep myself organized. I get to work and sometimes it’s challenging for me to concentrate. I sometimes feel like I’m walking in a twilight zone and just going with the motions. I tell my therapist I feel like everything is so surreal. I honestly can’t believe this is my life. I actually have fucking breast cancer. And out of all the things you can go through, I get stuck with something almost as bad as death.

Through it all, though, my daughter has been a constant reminder to remain present.  My therapist has been reminding me too. She (my daughter) has helped me change my perspective and helped me to cherish life a lot more. Although cancer has struck a cord in me, [potentially] not being there for my daughter is debilitating. I’ve been trying to truly stop to take in the blessings around me – including Gia showing me a new painting or her chalk work, or her telling me about her friends in daycare or her saying “I love you.”

There’s literally no more taking life for granted. This whole time I’ve been waiting has challenged me in ways I never thought possible. And now that I’m in the homestretch until chemo starts, I’m ready to get these rounds done!! August 19th, where the hell are you?

xx Kelsey