Tag: strength

It’s Not the Same

Kelsey Reigle

And while I’ve been struggling to put my finger on what’s going on, I’m okay with whatever is going on.

I’ve been back at work for a month now after my double mastectomy and this time going back, it’s been so hard. I saw a quote the other day that said “After breast cancer, my job had not changed. I had.”

I don’t think anything has resonated so much with me in my life. WOW! My job is, or was, my dream job.

I literally remember sitting in college and said, “my dream job would be becoming a Paralegal for a state-wide nonprofit helping victims of some sort.” I have that job and man, I was on top of the world when I got it.

I don’t hate my work or what I do. It’s just hard to go back and try to pick up where I left off. I work in a profession that is fast-pace and I cannot keep up, right now. (I really wish I could). I’m on calls with survivors of sexual assault, harassment, rape, seeing if our attorneys can help them. It’s emotionally taxing, if you could even begin to imagine. Vicarious trauma is a real thing everyone.

While I’m sitting here, crying internally because I wish I could just quit my job and figure life [without cancer] out, I’m okay with this feeling. I’m not sure where I’m going. I know I’ll be finishing up my second degree at the end of the year and maybe by then I’ll find my true calling.

My love for advocacy hasn’t stopped. My love as a Paralegal hasn’t stopped. But damn has Breast Cancer made me doublethink everything.

xx Kelsey

Sex and Chemo: What Could Be So Bad? (NSFW)

Kelsey Reigle

I’m going to mark this as NSFW just because I am talking about sex.

When I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I did a lot of research… like too much research.  One common theme I kept on seeing pop-up was sex during treatment, what chemo does to your sex drive, yadda yadda.  Now I have a high sex drive so for me to see this, I rolled my eyes and was like, “no way chemo is going to affect my sex drive.”

Chemo drugs actually damage nerves and muscles involved in feeling pleasure from touch or reaching orgasms.  Chemo drugs can also make sex painful if you are not properly lubricated because of the dryness.

~and the kicker~ Some chemo drugs actually put woman in a “menopausal state.”  The side effects are exactly the same as a woman going through menopause; irregular periods or none at all, damage to your ovaries, dryness of the vaginal area, tightness of your vagina walls, emotional changes, hot flashes and so forth.

I can say though that even if chemo affects your sex drive, I haven’t had issues BUT after my last round of A/C, I experienced the most painful sex, followed by small cuts around my vagina because of it being dry (and a fun visit to my OBGYN). And besides that, I’m relieved it was only that because sex is very important for the human body.  There are so many benefits.

Some of the positive affects of sex include, boosting your libido, lowers blood pressure, it counts as exercise, improves sleep and decreases stress, improves intimacy and relationships.  I’m sure I’m missing some other benefits but you get the point.  And because Cancer strips away a lot of things from you, to actually have control over something is amazing and mentally and physically, sooooooo beneficial to me, and I’m sure others who are in my position and feel the same.

If you have been recently diagnosed with cancer, please talk with your Oncologist about what chemo, radiation, surgery can do to your sex drive, if it’s important to you.  My doctor never brought it up until I did, and I don’t think it was intentionally on her part.  It’s something most people aren’t worried about but I think it’s important to understand and know what your treatment is going to do to affect all aspects of your daily life.

xx Kelsey

Don’t Get Too Chemotional

Kelsey Reigle

8/19/2019 – I had my first round of chemo and wow was it an emotional day for me. I’ve honestly been in high-spirits, for the most part, about my diagnosis. I got to the point where I was like “I can’t control this, why am I trying to fight these emotions, these thoughts, etc.” I’ve got commended by, I swear, every person who I’ve been in contact with. I wouldn’t say they’re praising me, but I did have my fertility doctor say that I would be a great fit for their company and that they will miss me there. You have to keep a positive mind set in all of this. Cancer is completely out of your control and there are only so many preventative things you can do for your health.

But damn Monday was rough. My mom and I were halfway to the hospital and I broke down in tears. It was the day, my first treatment (Adriamycin and Cytoxan; or AC as most cancer patients refer to it as). You think you’re mentally prepared, you think you know what’s going to happen but you absolutely don’t. You think that the two months leading up to it of testing, surgeries (three for me), appointment after appointment, would prepare you but it doesn’t. I was fine by the time we got to the hospital but I was worried because my lidocaine was definitely not on my port for 30 minutes, was rubbing off and would probably hurt like a bitch once they tried to access it.

I checked in and waited for them to call my name to access my port. The nurse called me back and the minute I sat in the chair, she couldn’t get “how are you feeling today?” out of her mouth without me breaking down again. I mean fuck, at 25 this is not what I want to be dealing with. This is not what I envisioned where I’d be. She kneeled down and we talked for 10 minutes before I was able to calm down. Shout out to Megan because seriously she is such an amazing nurse and made me feel like her friend, not a cancer patient, in that moment and that’s exactly what I needed. She prepped my port and counted down to 0 and drove that needle in like it was nothing. The worst part was over and it took her, maybe, 3 minutes to do it (besides getting my blood drawn). Literally the worst part of my day was over.

I then had to go over to my oncologist’s office and check in with her, then head back over to the chemo room to wait for my blood work to come back to start my prep meds and other fun drugs. The rest of the day was smooth sailing. [Although I heard my nurses calling the currier because everyone was waiting for their drugs and for some reason, they were taking their good ole time.]

My first drug, Adriamycin, is a push-through drug so that took maybe 20 minutes for the nurse to do. And then my Cytoxan was a 30 minute drip bag. So not even an hour for my chemo drugs!!!

Through it all, I was surrounded by such amazing staff. I had a friend’s mother come and check-in on me a few times; she was the sweetest. Megan kept on poking her head in to make sure I was holding up okay. The volunteer, he was laughing at me, because I was so excited about all the food and drinks in the kitchen. UPMC Pinnacle really and truly made me feel comfortable and relaxed.

Monday was a mix of emotions, from crying to laughing, to having an intimate/personal conversation with one of the nurses… I’m just glad my first round is done. I fuckin’ did it y’all. SEVEN MORE ROUNDS TO GO!

xx Kelsey