Tag: healing

It’s Not the Same

Kelsey Reigle

And while I’ve been struggling to put my finger on what’s going on, I’m okay with whatever is going on.

I’ve been back at work for a month now after my double mastectomy and this time going back, it’s been so hard. I saw a quote the other day that said “After breast cancer, my job had not changed. I had.”

I don’t think anything has resonated so much with me in my life. WOW! My job is, or was, my dream job.

I literally remember sitting in college and said, “my dream job would be becoming a Paralegal for a state-wide nonprofit helping victims of some sort.” I have that job and man, I was on top of the world when I got it.

I don’t hate my work or what I do. It’s just hard to go back and try to pick up where I left off. I work in a profession that is fast-pace and I cannot keep up, right now. (I really wish I could). I’m on calls with survivors of sexual assault, harassment, rape, seeing if our attorneys can help them. It’s emotionally taxing, if you could even begin to imagine. Vicarious trauma is a real thing everyone.

While I’m sitting here, crying internally because I wish I could just quit my job and figure life [without cancer] out, I’m okay with this feeling. I’m not sure where I’m going. I know I’ll be finishing up my second degree at the end of the year and maybe by then I’ll find my true calling.

My love for advocacy hasn’t stopped. My love as a Paralegal hasn’t stopped. But damn has Breast Cancer made me doublethink everything.

xx Kelsey

Don’t Get Too Chemotional

Kelsey Reigle

8/19/2019 – I had my first round of chemo and wow was it an emotional day for me. I’ve honestly been in high-spirits, for the most part, about my diagnosis. I got to the point where I was like “I can’t control this, why am I trying to fight these emotions, these thoughts, etc.” I’ve got commended by, I swear, every person who I’ve been in contact with. I wouldn’t say they’re praising me, but I did have my fertility doctor say that I would be a great fit for their company and that they will miss me there. You have to keep a positive mind set in all of this. Cancer is completely out of your control and there are only so many preventative things you can do for your health.

But damn Monday was rough. My mom and I were halfway to the hospital and I broke down in tears. It was the day, my first treatment (Adriamycin and Cytoxan; or AC as most cancer patients refer to it as). You think you’re mentally prepared, you think you know what’s going to happen but you absolutely don’t. You think that the two months leading up to it of testing, surgeries (three for me), appointment after appointment, would prepare you but it doesn’t. I was fine by the time we got to the hospital but I was worried because my lidocaine was definitely not on my port for 30 minutes, was rubbing off and would probably hurt like a bitch once they tried to access it.

I checked in and waited for them to call my name to access my port. The nurse called me back and the minute I sat in the chair, she couldn’t get “how are you feeling today?” out of her mouth without me breaking down again. I mean fuck, at 25 this is not what I want to be dealing with. This is not what I envisioned where I’d be. She kneeled down and we talked for 10 minutes before I was able to calm down. Shout out to Megan because seriously she is such an amazing nurse and made me feel like her friend, not a cancer patient, in that moment and that’s exactly what I needed. She prepped my port and counted down to 0 and drove that needle in like it was nothing. The worst part was over and it took her, maybe, 3 minutes to do it (besides getting my blood drawn). Literally the worst part of my day was over.

I then had to go over to my oncologist’s office and check in with her, then head back over to the chemo room to wait for my blood work to come back to start my prep meds and other fun drugs. The rest of the day was smooth sailing. [Although I heard my nurses calling the currier because everyone was waiting for their drugs and for some reason, they were taking their good ole time.]

My first drug, Adriamycin, is a push-through drug so that took maybe 20 minutes for the nurse to do. And then my Cytoxan was a 30 minute drip bag. So not even an hour for my chemo drugs!!!

Through it all, I was surrounded by such amazing staff. I had a friend’s mother come and check-in on me a few times; she was the sweetest. Megan kept on poking her head in to make sure I was holding up okay. The volunteer, he was laughing at me, because I was so excited about all the food and drinks in the kitchen. UPMC Pinnacle really and truly made me feel comfortable and relaxed.

Monday was a mix of emotions, from crying to laughing, to having an intimate/personal conversation with one of the nurses… I’m just glad my first round is done. I fuckin’ did it y’all. SEVEN MORE ROUNDS TO GO!

xx Kelsey

Chemo and Fertility

Kelsey Reigle

When I first met with my breast surgeon and we were going over what to expect, I wasn’t considering how treatment would affect my fertility. I thought having cancer at 25 was pretty damn bad. I thought I had enough on my plate.

Most chemo drugs damage a woman’s eggs, essentially affecting her fertility. Being the 25 year-old that I am, I’m luckier because younger woman tend to have more eggs and this gives us a higher chance to keep some fertility. Women over the age of 40 who go through chemotheraphy are more likely to enter menopause after treatment.

There are various chemo drugs that are used but of course 2 of the 3 drugs I will be on result in a medium risk of losing fertility. These two drugs are Cytoxan and Adriamycin.

Through it all, I was able to have the opportunity to freeze my eggs. This is done by giving myself hormone injections to simulate my ovaries and after 9 to 12 days, my eggs are extracted and frozen using vitrification technology. This part of my journey has been crazy. The process of egg-freezing is expensive, time consuming and emotionally exhausting. This was not what I was expecting. I was kind of blind-sided but I was able to take some valuable things away from this.

Three things I took away from all of this:

  1. Reach out/talk to people. Talking about fertility was very hard for me. I was sad for myself. I had come across a dental hygienist at my dental office and we were just talking about what I was going through (cancer shit) and I had brought up fertility. Well she shared with me that for years she was, and still is, having issues with trying to carry. Her husband and her have tried IVF and have had no success. And her sister has tried IVF over 10 times. My heart broke for her, and her sister, but by her sharing something intimate was wholesome and it put into perspective how lucky I am. She reminded me that I’m not alone.
  2. Realizing what is most important. When you think life with cancer is bad, add to it, the potential of not having a successful pregnancy, life gets scary. I have a lot to be thankful for and this has shined a light on what is the most important things in my life right now; my health, my daughter and self-care. Those three things are what I’m most concerned about when I go into my treatment.
  3. Regret. After I had my daughter I swore that I didn’t want to have another kid. Well… when you are faced with infertility, there are a lot of things you need to consider. Could I really go the rest of my life not having another kid? What if I decide I want to have another and I don’t do this? What if I do this, spend the money and then not even have a kid? So many thoughts ran through my head but I knew that if I didn’t give myself this opportunity, I would regret this for the rest of my life. I couldn’t close the door on this chance.

As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” I really considered not doing egg-freezing; it was going to interrupt my vacation, you have to get monitored every other day and blood work done… it was really time consuming. Although it involved a lot, I knew that I needed and wanted to do this. It was a really tough decision to make and there have even been hiccups along the way (trigger shot to even get started, delayed start date of shots). I feel so empowered to be able to do this though. It has been life changing.

Update since I first started this post (draft form), I am a mommy to 16 embryos. Our bodies are absolutely amazing!

xx Kelsey